hermit note

I found this on my computer today. I wrote it last august, in reference to the summer in which i spent very little time with my friends. It is a sort of explanation, i suppose, but i think it's another thing i left unfinished:

The things I am learning while being a hermit for an entire summer.

1. Your dreams are much easier to recognize when they are not coming true and you are doing nothing than they are when you still think they are attainable.
I've always had this crazy dream of being a fashion designer. Yep. I feel like I'm 12 when I say that but it's true. Now, here I go to UW already enrolled in engineering school. An engineer? Really? Oh my god, the more I say it the less plausible it sounds. I don't want to go to Madison...never did really. I was told that is where I am headed since I was 6. I worked really hard because Madison is such a hard school to get into. And after so much, you know what? I got into BETTER schools than Madison. And now that has made going to Madison all the harder.

2. My siblings have partnered off...and everyone knows so it's okay.
I think Neil has always secretly been my favorite. I'm just now realizing that I'm his too. Mark and Leigh are partners too. They are each other's favorites. I don't know why this has happened. I've always spent a lot longer on the phone with him than with the others. Even when I was really little. My favorite part of it is I feel like Neil looks a lot like Grandpa even if Mark has more of his nature. I am told I am starting to look a lot like Neil which means maybe I have a little of my grandpa in me.

3. High school drama has been misnmed...it does not stop at high school. I have heard so much talk about people behind their backs this summer even though I really haven't hung out with anyone more than about two times. Perhaps, I stuck my nose where it didn't belong too much this summer. But boy, have I learned a lot. Really, my objective to gossip this summer was "To hell with it, I don't care." I did, for once, what came naturally and what was not influenced by mob mentality. Mob mentality is dangerous. Anyway, I told people what I saw and I thought and I will not apologize. It was honesty in its purest form. And it felt fine, not painful.

4. People are naturally motivated to be

pretty sure the last word is mean, but i can't remember why.